comfortable
.: freak of the week :.
« Mon 09 Jun 2008 02:02:06 PM »
...but im a creep, im a weirdo

...so I face returning to the asylum with mixed feelings really. Let me explain.

On brief return to the asylum to ooroo a mate on Friday, I noticed a few things about peoples reactions to me. (1) Most were too frightened to even shake my hand [presumably for fear of causing my head to fall off]; and (2) Everyone tried to look at the scar, but not look like they were looking. Fair enuff, I am current freak of the week but am unsure how to get past that in all honesty. So, taking a gamble [of grossing out and further alienating myself and others], I thought I would post here to clarify my condition with some facts:
  • The operation was invasive. On my neck a wound the size of my mouth was opened to gain access to my backbone. They pushed all the squoodgy parts [like breathe and swallow tubes] aside to do this. In recovery, these tubes had more or less returned to where they were but I have difficulty swallowing and my voice has changed [I have lost the lower register of my vocal range].

    Both issues may well resolve themselves but there are no guarantees apparently. There is a scar, is is not a pretty one but will no doubt later become a bragging point ["you should see the other one, she is a real mess"], but it may well flatten out a little, I hope so.

    A titanium plate was fixed across 3 vertebrae [physically screwed in place, power-tool like] and bone grafts were placed in the gaps where the disks used to be, effectively fusing the three vertebrae into one solid unit. This will permanently reduce the range of movement I have in my neck, and cause the joints above and below to work harder, it is not known if that will represent a problem in the future. I have approximately half the movement range of a healthy neck so far, and physio is working on increasing that. I am stiff and looking left/right is possible if a little slow at the moment. Looking down is ok but looking up is uncomfortable presently.

  • The operation opened a similar-sized wound on my hip [right on boxer-line annoyingly] where 2 sections of living bone were harvested for the bone grafts. This has healed flat (unlike the neck) and is still swollen and sore - the swelling is pressing on a nerve feeding the quadrucep muscle of my left leg [the big one above the knee], causing numbness and a burning sensation in that muscle. It is believed those symptoms will vanish completely as the wound heals. Aleady it has diminished considerably and lessens with light exercise like walking.

    The site of the bone graft was chosen, apparently, because it represents a place where bone is closest to the skin and in sufficient quantity to be suitable for sampling.

    I have Xrays and CT scans to come to determine of the grafts are growing properly, but no point before about 6 weeks apparently, no idea what the consequences are if they do not do what they are supposed to do.

  • I am on "Oxycontin", an optiate analgesic medication in the morning [8 hour slow release] and "Endone" [a fast release version of the same] evening at bed time and this manages the pain, occasionally panadol, panadine and anti-nausea capsules when needed. These meds no longer mess with my head, which is a good thing as being in a haze is not something I enjoy at all [it is a lot like being drunk from the glass of waters perspective].

    Most of the pain and discomfort is now muscular, as groups of muscles in my neck, down my spine and across my shoulders re-organise themselves to hold up my head and support its movement. Honestly I wish the muscles would stop doing this as they spasm in awkward and difficult to predict ways, coping with movements that I used to take for granted. This will ease over time [indeed it already has begun to do so] and I say bring it on. The medication suits me more than morphine [which bombed me out and made me throw up ... a truly hideous combination] but I was on a morphine pump for 3 days post-op to self-administer pain relief and I am glad to be off it.

  • I can not drive nor lug anything weighty [much above 2kg] for about 6 weeks, this is a nuisance but apparently important to let my bone grafts do their thing and assist with the healing. fair enough but it places strain on relationships as I rely on others to help out sometimes. I thank them most sincerely for helping out, but cannot help but feel like I am imposing at times.

  • The codine pre-op and morphine post-op played merry hell with my innards and it took a week and a half for my digestive tract to begin to work again, nuff said. General anaesthetic also screwed with my innards in unpleasant and uncomfortable ways, usually does.

  • I get this "other worldly" feeling when washing my hair, it is difficult to explain but the head does not feel like it is actually mine, more like washing someone elses head - it is odd and a combo of immobility and ...arrgh, difficult to put words to it.

  • I have lost a bit of weight [not a bad thing] and am eating fairly normally, soft is still easiest, appetite and ability to cope with chocolate under control, thankfully. I actually feel pretty good, considering. Posturally it feels pretty heavy and I tend to "set" in a position if in it for any period of time, but that is managable. I am sleeping fairly well now and even spending some time on my side [my preferred sleeping position] which is a comfort as I hate sleeping flat on my back.
I am eagerly awaiting the arrival of my super power [someone suggested to me that it is not unreasonable, given it happens all the time in the movies], although I do not think I was bitten by anything radioactive, or exposed to any fall out, but people get strange new powers when they receive implants dont they? I am sure they do ... so I wait in anticipation.

What the hell am I doing here? I don't belong here

...now I am trying to understand social networks, and have played with Facebook after disliking MySpace with avengance. I do not "get" it, but can see why some would spend hours there, altho not a lot of time is actually very productive. Posting things about yourself is fine up to a point, but the facebook application suite is curious and constantly nags you to invite others to partake which I find a little odd and a lot annoying.

Very few of the facebook apps actually do very much except harvest personal data, presumably for sale to direct marketing firms. I have concerns for kids, particularly, as the social networking scene encourages them to share all sorts of personal details with complete strangers for no personal benefit [mind you, I could be the pot calling the kettle black given postings in the blarg...], but I wonder how much young people value their anonymity, and how aware they re about the importance of guarding same. The "feel" of facebook however is different to MySpace - less cluttered, less junky, less "cheap and nasty" but there are some kiddies who would prolly disagree and fair enuff too, they are allowed to be wrong.

I dont care if it hurts, I wanna have control. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul

"Creep" by Radiohead, with a savage guitar line and an off-planet vocal style was the first Radiohead song I ever heard - and comes from an album I still do not have "Pablo Honey" - have everythign else tho. thom York is a modern musical genius and no one makes noise like him.
Feeling:: reticent [no idea what I am getting myself into]
Watching:: "The Bill" on good old Aunty ABC [return for the comedic value of a soap that tries too hard to take itself seriously]
Reading:: "Monstrous Regiment" by Terry Pratchett [tongue in cheek look at life in a modern army]
Hearing:: "Quiet Club" by Brian Eno [expansive ambient landscape of breathtaking depth]
Accessed:: 2080 times so far, not that anyone is counting.


narf a. (interj.) The uncontrollable sound an idiot might make.
b. (interj.) The word used when no other words will suffice.
c. (interj.) An exclamation emitted when ones brain farts and sound deploys.
current blarg
previous blargs - :time: :blue: :new: :annus horribilis: :hair: :vegicide: :i love lamp: :show: :life on mars: :plumbing the depths: :zoupa: :traces of nut: :freak of the week: :TV or not TV: :screwed: :pre-op: :what a nerve: :five yards: :gone: :one: :three: :four: :techno-logic: :ergo is not a dirty word: :15 mins: :online: :dust, anyone?: :notwerk: :sprung: :drive, she said...: :kidney: :iRate: :monitor: :alliance: :pamper: :allies: :heroes: :area: :appraisal: :barnstorming: :renegade: :where there is smoke...: :noob year: :dalek: :ende neu: :GOOtube: :place: :artery: :sewer: :fnq: :mole: :hols: :vote: :lumberjack: :prune: :plant: :opinion: :audit: :dig it: :neck: :life is a minestrone: :pastie: :fortysix: :away: :fully-sik: :play: :BoB2006: :cOMMunity: :pops: :bagge: :break: :pwnage: :n00b: :service with a snarl: :open: :NOT(advance): :nectarine: :sushi: :who?: :reception: :another day, another...?: :The WALL (reprise): :the WALL [part 2]: :the WALL [part 1]: :>insert seasons greetings here<: :surf: :Owe-Pee: :catAtonic: :over: :cUt: :airCON: :ooRoo: :building: :tick: :you raise me up: :duct: :yogified: :food glorious food: :diurnal anomoly: :operatunity: :wPod: :myPod [pod=foot, ok]: :is this the real life?: :bitter and twisted: :shiny: :Ahh, Serenity: :computer says no: :smef: :Go Maroon!: :best laid plans of mice: :Ready to Rok: :gravity 1, wonko 0: :Kairos 2: :fluv@x: :cluss prags: :LAN: :Axes of Evil: :Little Slices of Death: :Wrapped in plastic..: :A Horse is a horse, of course: :ego is not a dirty word: :Fun & Run: :Hedging and Edging: :Testiculation: :weak end: :I before E except after C: :Reality - hah!: :fluezy: :Too darned hot!: :Eye of the Storm?: :The Carnivale is Over: :Calm b4 the storm: :Asylum: :A Quest: :High Tea and "Back to Asylum Shopping": :hi ho, hi ho, it: :Working in a coal mine...: :Here I stand, foot in hand, talking to my wall...: :Another day ... another day, really: :We're here because we can:
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