Uncomfortably Handy
.: the WALL [part 1] :.
« Fri 30 Dec 2005 12:32:13 PM »
Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Postscript 1

"We dont need no education"

...so our back yard, bare and nuked of all but grass that it is, had a new fence because the back neighbours sold, subdivided and there are now 2 two storey townhouses overlooking us. Intitally we thought a hedge, but have decided we need screening trees - natives to attract the birds we thought. That necessitated building a long garden bed along the back fence [about 16m long], and after much discussion, fingers doing the walking in the yellow pages looking for someone who would do it for us, we decided we could not afford it.

plan of attack...looks like a nail...no it is a tack"We dont need no thought control"

... then I suggested that I might be able to make it. Sleepers, saw, sink holes, bolt it together, make good [having spectacular success some 12 years earlier laying a network of concrete paths in the garden of our old house]. Master planning required I was familiar with the materials, so off to a landscaping supplies we trotted [well, one that was open - most shut up shop for the festive season - bastards!]. Hardwood sleepers required three stout men each to carry them [as I am only the weight of two stout men, we went off hardwood], treated pine it was - 3m long, 200mm x 75mm in crossection [getting all techy, speaking in mm to pretend I actually know anything about carpentry]. Rang a hardware shoppe about bolts, drill bits. Rang hire places about saws and petrol-driven augers [pot hole diggers to normal people] and then onto pooter to do some scale drawings of how it might do together [optimising use of materials, providing strength and stability etc - wtf do i know about these things, but gave it a shot].

"No dark sarcasm in the classroom"

... so I worked out a design that required 16x3m sleepers, 13 cuts, 32 bolty things and an as-yet unknown qty of cement for the posts, eventually. Ordered the timber, got a trade discount [lol, the dude asked if I was a tradesman, I said yes, he knocked off $40 - FMSW - this pretending is easy] and got them to deliver. They dumped the timber on the front lawn unnaturally early one morning [only a few dints and scars to what is almost a lawn], got son to help carrying them to a stack on back lawn .. tea and a good lie down, enough for the day, bar trip to hardware shop. Those who know me realise how unco I am, but managed to get bolty things, a huge drill bit to match - 12mm diameter[hope my drill, power tool #1, can cope with it .. I own two power tools and do not think that the drill bit will fit the hedge trimmer], spirit level, gloves, odds and sods - again severely singing the credit card.

"Teachers leave them kids alone"

... so I needed to perform 13 cuts through serious timber, and was flooped if I was gunna use my hand saw [experience has shown me that the more I concentrate on cutting straight, the less-so the cut becomes], so hired a 9" circular saw, went to the hire place, got the safety lecture [the hire guy could see I was sweating, assumed that meant I was packing shite and went slowly and sensitively through the operation of the on-off switch; when I was actually just hot - one gets soo used to aircon].

"Hey! Teachers! Leave them kids alone!"

... got home and got ready [sun screen, big drink, hat, gloves, carpenters pencil - yes, I do own one, found it in the workshop of our old house years ago, tape measure, power lead] and went out into the heat. I set up a coupla lengths up as supportive saw-horsey things [no, I do not have any saw horsey things, I am an amateur woody, remember], marked up the first length of timber [2 cuts = 3 lengths 1m long, right?], plugged in the saw, took a deep breath and pulled the trigger and swore loudly [yee gods they make noise, I just wasnae ready I guess].

"All in all its just another brick in the wall."

... so the first cut was straight up and down [making the cut ends straight, which will be handy later when I put all this together] but MISSED the line by 10mm - I wish I had listened more carefully to the hire guy - he said the blade lined up with one of two notchey things on the flat slidey part of the saw that rests on the timbery stuff you are cutting, but i didnae know which - I do now. Thirteen cuts and a near coronary from the heat and all the sawing is now done. Eighteen 100mm lengths [well, more accurately, one is 10mm short, another 10mm longer - hope that is not an issue later] stacked in neat rows awaiting the next stage ... to be continued.

"All in all youre just another brick in the wall."

Apologies to Mr P. Floyd
Feeling:: Festive [or is that festering?]
Watching:: "Little Brittain" Season 2 [dvd present, surprise absent]
Reading:: "Donna Hay" Issue 25; "Rolling Stone" Issue 648 [for the gratuitous nudity, curse them for arriving at the same time]; "Truth" by Terry Pratchett
Hearing:: "The Division Bell" by Pink Floyd [loud, is there any other way?]
Accessed:: 2472 times so far, not that anyone is counting.

wuzgonna (v.tr.) The intention to complete a task prior to thinking of an excuse or reason not to complete said task. Like a "gunnah" only more apologetic about not actually getting to the task.
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